Honestly, I don't care if i get one hit or one thousand hits. For the first time in a long time, I am not doing this to make a point, not to get some notice from people who don't give a crap. I am doing this for me and me only. This is going to be the partner to my diary. Documenting my life, and my journey, my ED, my bipolar grandmother, and my generally dysfunctional family.
I am in 6th year. I four weeks and six days my life will change forever. I will be finished school. I will be finished school forever. Next year I might be in college, I might be working, either way soon I am going to have to start making some serious decisions, and that scares the hell out of me to be truly honest. I mean up until this point, I have just gone with the flow, but I can’t do that anymore. I have to make decision, take action, and start shaping my life, the way I want it to be shaped, and I am so scared. I am terrified of how things will turn out. I don’t know what I want to do in college; I don’t know what to choose as a career. I want to be successful. I want to be financially stable. I would love to work with horses, to teach, and coach, and open my own yard. I wasn’t to get onto an Irish team; I want to make my mark on this world. But I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how o get started, I don’t have the money, or the horses, or the yard to do it all. I want to someday, but to do that I need a good job, I need to earn the money to do it. So I have to study, but it’s so hard. I find it so hard to sit down and study, I don’t know how to. But I need to try.
Three years ago my life changed forever. My grandmother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Well I think it’s bipolar. She never really talks about it. My life before that was hell. Hell without an explanation. Living with her was like living with seven different people. There was one who was angry, one who was sad, one who was bitter, one who was normal, one who was happy, and one who tried to buy me, and one who looked like she was possessed by the devil. The angry, the sad, the normal, the happy, I could deal with. But the bitter, the one who tries to buy me and the devil possessed one, those ones I really can’t deal with. The bitter one is the one I see most of, she’s around a lot, she’s bitter about things that happened 30 years ago, things that happened when I was born, things that most people would’ve forgotten but she hasn’t. The devil possessed one, she is the worst. She has this look in her eye, a nasty, sneering, disgusting look, and her face distorts in a mocking way. That look on her face makes me sick to the pit of my stomach, and she says the nastiest things. But she usually leaves as quickly as she came. Then the one who tries to buy comes out, she always knows what the devil possessed one has done or said, and then she gives me money, or buys me things n the hopes that I’ll forget.. But I never do. Since she was diagnosed, things only got worse, now I have an explanation, but most of the time I think she is using it as an excuse to nasty, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I want to do anything.
Thats all I really have to say right now. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will write more tomorrow.. :)
Good Night! xx
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