So Today

So today I feel like crap. Absolute Crap! I had an exam in school this morning, and it was our last day. It was supposed to be our muck up day. We were allowed dress up and pull some pranks on teachers and other students, but when my Nan woke me up this morning I felt miserable. Then she proceeded to call me a useless waste of time, at that point I rolled over in my bed, and had no intention of facing the world. When I heard her leave the house, I got up and all day I have felt completely and utterly miserable. What's wrong with me that she thinks I am such an awful person? I would really love an answer to that, because then I could change, and then maybe she would love me. Just maybe. A little love or a compliment, every so often would be really nice.

Just Another Life Change

I am in 6^th year. At some point my life changed forever, I can’t figure out when, or why, or how. But it changed. One day I looked in the mirror, and truly hated, detested, and felt disgusted and what was looking back at me. All I could see were lumps and bumps, and fat. FAT. FAT. FAT! It made me feel sick to the pit of my stomach. So somewhere along the lines in the last two years I made a conscious or subconscious decision. I decided at some point that food was my enemy. I have lost two stone since then. I now weigh 135Lbs, at 5’6’’ that sounds healthy. But I’m writing this while in a rational frame of mind. I’m a jogger, and an athlete, I have competed in on teams for my city in many National Championships, in Dressage, Show Jumping and Eventing, and have been since I was 12. I train 7 days a week. Every week. I ride my horses for 2 hours every day. I also run about 5 – 7 miles every day. So I think it’s safe to say I am reasonably fit. I am actually classed as underweight for an athlete in my sport. I’m told muscle weighs more than fat. So at 135lbs I look a lot thinner than I sound. Or so I’m told. This is a curse, I walk into a room and I feel so nervous, I hate crowds, and my self confidence is gone. This is a curse. But what can I do? I just want to feel better. At some point I really hope it comes.

At some point I'll get all the life changes out of the way, and I will eventually get to talk about what's going on now. Live in the now or whatever. But for anyone who is reading this I want you to know my background. It's not like anyone else does. Not all of it anyway. 

My First Post

Honestly, I don't care if i get one hit or one thousand hits. For the first time in a long time, I am not doing this to make a point, not to get some notice from people who don't give a crap. I am doing this for me and me only. This is going to be the partner to my diary. Documenting my life, and my journey, my ED, my bipolar grandmother, and my generally dysfunctional family.

I am in 6^th year. I four weeks and six days my life will change forever. I will be finished school. I will be finished school forever. Next year I might be in college, I might be working, either way soon I am going to have to start making some serious decisions, and that scares the hell out of me to be truly honest. I mean up until this point, I have just gone with the flow, but I can’t do that anymore. I have to make decision, take action, and start shaping my life, the way I want it to be shaped, and I am so scared. I am terrified of how things will turn out. I don’t know what I want to do in college; I don’t know what to choose as a career. I want to be successful. I want to be financially stable. I would love to work with horses, to teach, and coach, and open my own yard. I wasn’t to get onto an Irish team; I want to make my mark on this world. But I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how o get started, I don’t have the money, or the horses, or the yard to do it all. I want to someday, but to do that I need a good job, I need to earn the money to do it. So I have to study, but it’s so hard. I find it so hard to sit down and study, I don’t know how to. But I need to try.

Three years ago my life changed forever. My grandmother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Well I think it’s bipolar. She never really talks about it. My life before that was hell. Hell without an explanation. Living with her was like living with seven different people. There was one who was angry, one who was sad, one who was bitter, one who was normal, one who was happy, and one who tried to buy me, and one who looked like she was possessed by the devil. The angry, the sad, the normal, the happy, I could deal with. But the bitter, the one who tries to buy me and the devil possessed one, those ones I really can’t deal with. The bitter one is the one I see most of, she’s around a lot, she’s bitter about things that happened 30 years ago, things that happened when I was born, things that most people would’ve forgotten but she hasn’t. The devil possessed one, she is the worst. She has this look in her eye, a nasty, sneering, disgusting look, and her face distorts in a mocking way. That look on her face makes me sick to the pit of my stomach, and she says the nastiest things. But she usually leaves as quickly as she came. Then the one who tries to buy comes out, she always knows what the devil possessed one has done or said, and then she gives me money, or buys me things n the hopes that I’ll forget.. But I never do. Since she was diagnosed, things only got worse, now I have an explanation, but most of the time I think she is using it as an excuse to nasty, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I want to do anything.

Thats all I really have to say right now. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will write more tomorrow.. :) 

Good Night! xx