Rambling...

So I am fasting today, and so far I am feeling pretty good about it, I had a glass of milk, because well whatever about going without food... I WILL NEVER GO WITHOUT MILK. It will never happen. Ever. That’s a promise. So right now I am supposed to be studying, instead I am trying to go on PT, but webs is being glitchy... Ugh. I hate when webs is glitch because I can’t get onto PT or Pretty Alone, or anything for that matter. So instead to help me, I have a stash of thinspo on my laptop and on my phone to keep me motivated, and now I will share..

     

 

For some reason thinspo calms me, and helps keep my head screwed on. When I’m freaking out and craving like crazy, I look at some thinspo and immediately feel better... Does anyone else feel that way? Or am I just losing it? Because that is also a very high possibility...

Oh and while we are at it... Has anyone heard Avril Lavigne- Smile? I love it... It’s a very feel good song, as is Gary go- Say I Am. If you’re feeling shitty have a listen, they make me feel better, which is a no easy task...

While I'm at it..

And while I am at all the self pity crap, I am sorry for all the complaining, I need to vent, and well I hate burdening my friends will all my stuff, and I think they are tired of hearing about all the things that go wrong in my life, so if someone somewhere is reading this, then I am sorry. And thank you for taking the time to read this.. :)

Why Me?

Why me?

Why do I have to deal with all of this?

I envy girls who’s biggest troubles are their boyfriends.

Why can’t a dumbass boy be the most of my troubles?

Oh yeah that’s why.

Because I cut them out,

A long time ago

Because boys are asses

At least all the ones that I have ever dealt with

They all leave me

Or they are never with me in the first pace

They are in it for one thing

Who knows? Maybe that’s all I’m good for? Sex

Maybe I don’t deserve to be loved or cared for.

I have done some terrible things in the last 2 years.

So maybe that’s my karma.

Maybe it’s all, my fault

Maybe I brought all of this hurt, pain, and suffering, and constant struggle on myself.

And maybe I will have to live with it for the rest of my life,

Because of all the terrible things that I’ve done.

Why have I lost control of everything?

Everything has just spun completely out of control

But why?

Why?

Why this?

Why now?

Why me?

What We Do

What we do

     It’s not easy

                It’s damn well hard

There is nothing easy about it

                     Nothing in the slightest

     We struggle every day

EVEYR DAY 

                We strive for P.E.R.F.E.C.T.I.O.N.

But what is perfection?

                           Why do we want it so bad?

     I guess I’ll never really know the answer.

                Only that I wants it.

And if it takes dying to get there,

                     Then so be it.

I will never be happy unless I am perfect,

                           Unless I have full control over everything I do,

           And if that never happens,

                Then I won’t want to live anyway.

So the last few days

The last few days have been reasonably OK, My gran has been normal the last few days, which is good for her because usually she is really down, or manic, manic is scary. Majorly scary.. But my grandfather took her out for dinner the other night and she is really good since.

Me however? Well I lost 3lbs, and now for the last 3 days I have maintained which is really annoying.. I haven't been eating anything, well 200 cals, 300 cals and the 250, so I am gonna fast tomorrow and see how that goes.

I just want to thin, and beautiful, and happy, and PERFECT!

So Today

So today I feel like crap. Absolute Crap! I had an exam in school this morning, and it was our last day. It was supposed to be our muck up day. We were allowed dress up and pull some pranks on teachers and other students, but when my Nan woke me up this morning I felt miserable. Then she proceeded to call me a useless waste of time, at that point I rolled over in my bed, and had no intention of facing the world. When I heard her leave the house, I got up and all day I have felt completely and utterly miserable. What's wrong with me that she thinks I am such an awful person? I would really love an answer to that, because then I could change, and then maybe she would love me. Just maybe. A little love or a compliment, every so often would be really nice.

Just Another Life Change

I am in 6^th year. At some point my life changed forever, I can’t figure out when, or why, or how. But it changed. One day I looked in the mirror, and truly hated, detested, and felt disgusted and what was looking back at me. All I could see were lumps and bumps, and fat. FAT. FAT. FAT! It made me feel sick to the pit of my stomach. So somewhere along the lines in the last two years I made a conscious or subconscious decision. I decided at some point that food was my enemy. I have lost two stone since then. I now weigh 135Lbs, at 5’6’’ that sounds healthy. But I’m writing this while in a rational frame of mind. I’m a jogger, and an athlete, I have competed in on teams for my city in many National Championships, in Dressage, Show Jumping and Eventing, and have been since I was 12. I train 7 days a week. Every week. I ride my horses for 2 hours every day. I also run about 5 – 7 miles every day. So I think it’s safe to say I am reasonably fit. I am actually classed as underweight for an athlete in my sport. I’m told muscle weighs more than fat. So at 135lbs I look a lot thinner than I sound. Or so I’m told. This is a curse, I walk into a room and I feel so nervous, I hate crowds, and my self confidence is gone. This is a curse. But what can I do? I just want to feel better. At some point I really hope it comes.

At some point I'll get all the life changes out of the way, and I will eventually get to talk about what's going on now. Live in the now or whatever. But for anyone who is reading this I want you to know my background. It's not like anyone else does. Not all of it anyway.